2girlzmum

 

 

 

Back in the day I had the perfect figure, broke rules, loved make-up, flirted, burned the midnight oil and woke up with the midday sun. My mother prayed fervently for my soul amidst this tumultuous time of my life. I made sure I never ended a disagreement with my dad without having the last word and that, I assure you, took some bravery.

 

Underneath the façade was a real live soul. I loved and wanted to be loved like the rest of this old world. I strived for the pearly gates like everyone else...swimming against the rumors, reprimands, and criticism.

 

Inside I listened to the little devils on my shoulders sing and laugh and dance away my self esteem. They dragged my down into the currents of negative thinking and in between I came to the surface, gasping for logic.

 

I longed to think of myself as a nice normal person...as someone with talents too. What was my place on this earth if I didn't meet up to man's expectations...my personality too strong...too unapproachable...

 

I built this little wall. I built it brick by brick. I revelled in the warmth and safety of the walls of negativity. It was safer that way...no disappointments. Of course I wasn't approved of by a loud minority in this society outside of my walls...what was I thinking.

 

A few years have passed and with God and the little yellow pill in my pocket I will fight this battle. I have two little faces staring up at me with nothing less than adoration. I have a handsome, funny husband who saw through all my faults and shortcomings inspite of warnings that I wasn't good enough for him. And you know what?! I'm not. But it sure feels good to be loved.

 

I am learning to forgive...to apply humility to my life... to have faith. I am learning that my personality is nothing to be ashamed of because God gave it to me to work for him. Not everyone will appreciate me. I will be critized. I will not be enough for everyone. I will let go and let God. It is too heavy for me to carry.  

 

It is time for me to open my hand and let go of this seed of bitterness... and plant daisies instead of dandelions.